Black people need to get away from the notion that work and worries require internalizing or exhibiting stress or depression. You can prioritize them without emotionally punishing yourself. Let’s also stop labeling those who’ve figured this out as lazy or that they don’t care.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been pretty nonchalant about things. I was the queen of resting bitch face because I didn’t think solutions or replies to people required exhibiting animated movements of my face. Eventually, I learned that people have this weird expectation that certain situations require a matching look on peoples’ faces. Such as if something heinous is happening, then everyone should look surprised, or if someone is pissed off, that it requires an angry expression. The thing is, I can feel surprised or angry all while exhibiting no expression. This is because I am remaining calm and mentally scanning for solutions, so the look on my face is not an involved process.
For example, once in orchestra rehearsal, I kept playing a bar wrong and when the conductor pointed it out, I scanned the music for my error and once I saw it, I said in my head, “Oh, that’s what I’m doing wrong”, but I simply replied to the conductor, “Ok” with the resting bitch face. But the conductor slammed their baton on the stand and yelled, “Do you not care!“. Of course I cared, I just didn’t think it required a facial reaction. Or the time when the boyfriend and I were in a discussion about something, and I evaluated a solution quietly in my head and with the resting bitch face, I replied, “Ok” and again, I got the same reaction, “You’re so cavalier about everything. I need acknowledgement. You just don’t care!” It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was that I didn’t think it required a whole bunch of fanfare. My “Ok”, should’ve been enough acknowledgement.
I said all that to say, that for some reason, outwardly showing calmness makes others feel uncomfortable. And in the Black community especially, since I’m Black myself, I don’t feel like many of us allow ourselves the option to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. For some reason, a lot of us, feel that we have to attach our face, posture and demeanor with how our lives are going, until at some point, we’ve done it for so long, it becomes part of our personality, forever even once the problem is no longer a factor. If we’re without money, we walk around stating we’re broke and proceed to slither around the earth with a nasty attitude; some even spread the misery to strangers or even their children.
This also is the case when we try to attach our jobs or the things we are worried about, to our personalities and habits. Laziness is heavily looked down upon in the Black community, so a lot of us absorb the standing that real work isn’t being done, unless we are actively suffering and showing it. We aren’t allowing ourselves to be happy with what we’ve accomplished because we have this take all or nothing attitude which goes something like, if everything isn’t going right, then my life is horrible. Additionally, we also have the perception that we aren’t taking real life issues seriously, unless we are forcing ourselves to be feel stressed or depressed about it and in the process of that, we also aren’t allowed to feel happy about anything.
We as Black people have to learn how to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, and not lashing out at others just because of our situation. Once I realized this, every time I have a negative thought, I just let is pass like a fart in the wind. I don’t sit around dwelling or ruminating on it and I most certainly don’t take it out on others. If it is something I have to think about, I schedule a time in the day to allow myself only a few minutes to worry about it, then move on about my day. I do not sit there and let the negative emotions fester into a full blown toxic attitude.
In conclusion, a lot of Black people wear chips on their shoulders, but we can’t allow our jobs, situationships and worries to become us because once it does, it’s easy for one to lose themselves and hard to get back to the place they were. We have to grasp a new way of thinking. Once I realized this about myself as well, I began seeking help and came across a therapist who outlined some very helpful tips on changing our perspectives on how we process being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Barbara Spaulding is a LCSW who provide some excellent tips on being comfortable with being uncomfortable, along with some other helpful tips. 🦉
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