Breathing Is Illegal in New York

Have you ever unintentionally broken the law?

This is New York, the city of stupid laws. They’re so stupid, even our corrupt mayor doesn’t follow them, so much that he breaks them and commits fraud on purpose, but doesn’t get persecuted for any of it. Everyone unintentionally breaks them every day and if you didn’t break one today, you’ll break one tomorrow or within a week. You’ve broken several by the end of the month. We’re all criminals up here.

If you ever stared at a person aggressively or flirtingly, you just broke the law. It is illegal in New York.

Wanna nail the horn on someone? Yep, you just earned you some fifty cuffs. It’s illegal in New York to honk your horn for no reason. This likely became a thing in the 70s – 90s+ because noise pollution is real and it will drive you mad.

Need to make a midnight run across the street to the bodega to pick up some sugar but dont have time to kick off your slippers? Better make it quick before 5-0 drives by, because it’s illegal in New York to wear slippers in public places after 10pm.

Are you fortunate enough to live in a house and want to save money by drying your clothes on a clothesline? Yeah you just broke the law again. It’s illegal in NY to hang clothes on a clothesline if you don’t have a license.

Good job! You’re a natural criminal!

Going to the zoo and want to see the tigers? Seeing is all you’re gonna do! It’s illegal in NY to take selfies with tigers so I hope you have good memory!

Want to be a famous puppeteer? That’s cool, just don’t puppet your puppets in an advertisement because you can’t do that. It’s illegal lol.

Want to keep the sun off your back or maintain your pastey glow while outside? Not in NY you won’t! It’s illegal in NY to have an umbrella open unless it’s raining. Sorry kids. No pink parasols for you!

Have terrible kids who like to throw beach balls at peoples’ heads? Congrats, they’ve made their first offense. It’s illegal in NY to throw a ball at someone’s head.

Plan on bunking with 3 or more roomies? Not in this town! Although people do it all the time, it’s illegal in NY to live with 2 or more people who aren’t related to you. So like, everyday you’re breaking the law in your sleep.

Need to clean your mop? Better do it in the tub. It’s illegal in NY to wring your mop out the window.

And if you’re feeling especially edgy, run up to a cop, put your thumb on your nose and wiggle your fingers. The next call you’ll make is to your lawyer. You guessed it. It’s illegal in NY to greet someone like that.

And just when you thought you no longer have the right to live, just never live in Brooklyn with your donkey. You can’t let your donkey sleep in your tub. Yep, you guessed it. It’s illegal in NY.