Procrastinator

Procrastinator is really the one word that describes me and I hate it. I’m not even sure how I got here, because I haven’t always been this way, yet here we are. I have zero motivation to do anything in the moment, and I will wait until the last minute to finish whatever task it is. Then I feel bad because I haven’t put in the time I should have to do my best work, so it ends up being some half-baked bs.

I believe I got to this point because I used to always do things right when asked or needed. Well, years of that eventually led to burnout and exhaustion and now I don’t have any urgency for anything. It gets done when it gets done, but sometimes that’s never.

This is a huge problem for me because I have deadlines to meet almost every week because of school, and you guessed it, I wait until the last possible minute to turn it in. Then, I feel bad. I have attended workshops at school for solutions, but they become a fleeting thing, I’ve literally forgotten about them the minute the meetings ends, and I don’t bother to apply them to my life to fix the problem. It’s a horrible feeling and it just a thing that haunts me every single day.

I read this one thing that said it’s because of depression, but I am not depressed. Far from it. I am upset about some things going on right now, but I wouldn’t say I feel down about them. I assure you, I’m not depressed, in fact, I think I’m the complete opposite. I had a good job making decent money and I think I spoiled myself honestly and just got comfortable. Now, everything has no urgency. It’s just a thing.

Well, I don’t have that job anymore now, since I was laid off, but the mindset has stayed with me. I wish I wasn’t a procrastinator, and I’d like to work on forming habits to fix it … but maybe tomorrow.