Two students receive the gift of education

Am I jealous? …. extremely.

Today I stood on the scale and found I weigh 150lbs; what a grave disappointment. Not too long ago I weighed 120 … then 127 … then 135 … 145 … I never even saw 140. It crept up on me so quickly. I know, I know, you’re thinking I don’t “look” that big but it’s my height that evens me out; I’m somewhere between 5’6″ and 5’7″. And everyone used to get pop-eyes about how skinny I was. I am more than 5’6″ but not quite 5’7″ either. So, I’ve decided to go on a diet. I’ve said it but I never did it. I think the best thing would be just to go vegan and get on Jenny Craig or Slim Fast and of course exercise; I have not exercised in ages which is part of my problem. I don’t have any sneakers though.

Anyways, I ordered PETA’s Vegetarian Starter Kit so hopefully this will help me out. The longest I ever went veggie was two months back in high school for Lent. Lent is a month, but after going a month wihtout eating meat, I found it difficult to go back to eating meat so it took me another month just to be able to eat it again. I have a very sensative system and I tell you, going vegan is not easy but it may be a little easier now with veggie burgers and stuff. My system is very sensative to animal-products, especially milk since I am lactose intolerant. Oh well. Wish me good luck!

I went to the park a few days ago, Newport News Park, and I put the pics I took in the Fotografie under Newport News Park. I had a lot of fun; went paddle-boating and bike riding with my hubby. He didn’t quite know how to ride a bike so you can only imagine … 🙂 We were going down a hill and he crashed into the bushes … It was one of those things where you panic when it happens, but once you know the person is okay you can’t hold in your laugh. God, that was a riot. Too bad I didn’t bring my cam on the bike ride.

My 4th was a blast and by the time it was over, I was wasted. It began from the time I woke up at 10am until the time I went to bed 11pm. Our festivities jumped off by raiding the stores for pounds and pounds of food, meat, steaks, burgers, chips, yada yada yada. I had placed a reservation for a shelter at the local park (my favorite park) Newport News Park two months ago because I had figured it would be packed. So we had shelter #5. We arrived at the park at noon and prepared all the food and picked up all hte people. Everyone was there by 4pm and everything jumped off. We had watergun fights, sparklers, music. Everyone enjoyed themselves, pretty much.

All my friends I invited came except for one, Keysha, but she had already told me she was going to her in-laws. My dad, of course, did not show up either but hey-hey-hey, what can I say-say-say. Oh, I got picks of my two bestest friends like I promised of Skeeter and Peugeot if you wanna see them. The photos are in the 4th of July under the “Galleria”.

The park is only open from sunrise to sunset so we lit the sparklers and left at 8:30pm. After that, I was beat and I had to take some people home. I got home around 9:30 and then at 10:00, there were fireworks downtown City Hall in Newport News. We are close enough from our house to see them so we watched them from outside; I took pictures from my bedroom window and they ended at 10:30pm. I was sooooo tired by then, I hit the sack at 11pm. To be honest, this was the best 4th of July I ever had. Independence is grand.

I got a letter in the mail from Hampton University inquiring about my household income; you know, I have only sent them my tax forms about 999,999 times. So as I looked down at the 1 millionth time I have sent these same papers I began to wonder what the hell are they sending me all this crap for?? It’s the same forms, over and over again … spinning around in circles … yada, yada yada only for them to provide me with another letter requesting unobtainable money. I usually mail this stuff back the same day out of enthusiasm for the next trick they want me to just jump through a hoop for but I felt melancholy about this letter. It was not a bad letter but the excitement just isn’t there anymore because they have put me through so much. Yeah, I’m working my ass off but I still don’t have the money for the down payment. Even if I sold my soul to the devil I would not be able to come up with it. I did not qualify for a loan I applied for so I don’t know what to do.

Basically, I have found myself right back at square one as to the reason why I did not go to college out of high school in the first place … not enough support, hassle, frustration and turn-downs. Only the difference is instead of having a lousy 2.2 GPA and them telling me no … I now have a spectacular 3.6 GPA and they are STILL telling me no. Proof that when it comes to colleges, money talks, all other bullshit (even intelligence and talent) walks. It makes you actually wonder how “smart” the people running these facilities are. In my honest opinion, people who run colleges are the biggest cons that has walked the earth right next to Christianity, Catholicism and George Bush Jr. Sorry Christians, Catholics & Bush supporters but that’s just my opinion. However, it seems that con-artists thrive a lot in these three C’s because they are the richest businesses. Yes, college is business and people invest in progression, even progression of their souls.

Back to the subject of opportunity costs, I thought about today how I have given HU 1 year of my precious time … never missed a rehearsal and have attended every goddamn concert, even a private one at a hotel which I only got paid $20 bucks for (wahhh???, yeah a measely $20 for sitting there for 3 hours or so, freezin my butt off) and it has forced me to think about the opportunity cost of even dealing with HU. If I didn’t learn anything in Macroeconomics class, I DID learn about opportunity costs. In other words, I have put more into HU than HU has put into me; they need me … I DON’T need them, there are other colleges out there.

#1 – Out of a $20,000 a year tuition, they have only offered to pay out of their own pocket $2,000-$5,000 but I feel I am worth much more than that. I mean listen to my music on my Cnet Music for Christ’s sake. I’m not a professional or anything but I think I sort of rock makin my own music with no type of formal “edumacation”.

#2 – Their music department lacks exposure so the program is limited on funds. They don’t travel anywhere. High school orchestras go more places than HU.

#3 – Students don’t seem like music enthusiasts nor do they all take it seriously

#4 – I feel there is no musical exploration … they pretty much just stay between the lines

Anything positive? THE SCHOOL’S REPUTATION AS A WHOLE …and that’s all folks.

However, from what P.B. (Professor Bracy) has told me, he needs cellos. In fact, he needs about every section of the orchestra, to be frank. All-in-all the entire time I was there, there were 5 cellists (there was 6 but she only came the first few weeks and never came back – and neither did the school-rented cello); only two were dedicated to the group really. I remember one rehearsal, only I and the first chair guy showed up and at another rehearsal, one of the cellists got smart with the conductor because he did not want to take his glove off. Yes people, a glove.

So, I have thought about, do I REALLY want to struggle and sweat blood to pay $20,000 every year for this type of childish, unprofessional behavior? Of course not. Or do I want an education as far as being around those who are as “giddy about Grieg” as I am? It’s a hard decision because it means I would have to move and all types of other things.

The only other colleges are ODU (Old Dominion University), CNU (Christopher Newport University) and NSU (Norfolk State University) and then there is always TNCC, Thomas Nelson Community College 🙂 From what I know, NONE of these schools even have a string program. I know NSU does though because my private teacher teaches there now, but I don’t know how progressive the program is. Besides, I would not want to go to NSU anyway … students get killed there too often for me. I don’t want to go to college to die tryin. TNCC has nothing, and I don’t know nothing about ODU and CNU, I have to look into them. Then there is W&M (William and Mary) but they are about as bad as HU I guess; it’s one of those prestigious colleges.

I will go ahead and send my stuff into HU, but I am 90% of reconsidering of not going there. After reviewing my options, it’s not worth the pool of blood.

I get a call today from Theo, my friend saying he was going to kill himself because he and his girlfriend Diedra broke up. She and her Mom had thrown Theo out of the house and he was the one who was paying the bills; it was actually he and Diedra’s house. Said she would ask hundreds of money from him and he would just give it so she would shut-up. She spent the money on herself, friends and of course probably the man she was cheating on the side of him too who by the way she has a baby by. It all fueled up when Theo finally came to his senses and stopped giving her money. He also told me how he had $10,000 in the bank that he allowed her to burn up in his name. Theo said he met Diedra in his old neighborhood where her Mom was a prostitute and some other shit and they were from Detroit, Chicago or some place or another. He says he honestly does not know because she keeps lying about where she is from. And at the time, he chose her over me because she was a bigger freak than I was. Well, I guess that’s a compliment since I would rather it be something trivial and stupid as that than her looking better than me or her being smarter than me. It actually did not hurt my heart to hear that. He told me that a different night but I was at Dollar General at that time and I
tried to calm Theo down. I asked to come see him but he said no because he had been living out of his truck and did not look good. I could respect that but I was concerned because I could hear him over the phone beating on the steering wheel and crying about him losing his kids and also losing Diedra.Diedra. We go way back to the summer of 2000 when I first met Theo at the car wash on Aberdeen. Back then, Theo and I were just hang-around buddies who went out together and basically slept with each other. I did not want anything from him because I could tell when he met me, he was a dog and back then I was also a player so I was not trying to hear no love shit. (yes men, women do play too). I was washing my car when Theo came around the corner, some words were exchanged and I told him “I do not have time for you”. And I didn’t. Besides, I thought he was ugly. I was making bookoo dollars at Gateway and did not want any males dabbing in it. He was driving a 98 green Honda Civic … I was driving a green Honda CRX … could the match be any more canny? He gave me his number but I did not call him.

So anywho, I got bored that night and thought maybe I could have some fun with this ugly guy who scratched “Theo” with his number on a piece of paper. I came over his house on Lucas Creek, we watched movies, and I basically slept with him and the next morning we had talked about some personal things b/t us. I had to get up and go to work. He did not want me to leave. He grabbed my arm and said “Noooo!”. I still remember that shit to this day. Not the conversation we had but the Nooo thing because I thought this was a completely consentual one-night stand .. why the fuck is this man (this ugly man) grabbing my arm and begging me not to leave like I am his bitch. I don’t know him from Adam and Eve and prefer to keep it that way. I just met him yesterday and I wanted nothing purely but sex. No hard feelings babe but I don’t want you like that.

Well, things got a little tight between Theo and I. We hung out, went to the beach, street-raced cars every once in a while … and I found myself actually having a little bit of feelings for this boy. He was the one who got me into street racing in the first place. It got to the point where I bought him a shaver for his birthday and I bought his daughter Tanika a bail full of popcorn for Christmas. I still kept our relationship completely and utterly superficial because I knew to care for a player … ya get played. I knew he was sleeping with other men and I am sure, since I slept with him the first day I met him, he had to have known I was sleeping with other
people too. But I really don’t remember. I don’t think that I was sleeping with anyone else but him at that time. I knew there was a guy named Steve Mixon a co-worker at Gateway but I don’t remember if he came before or after Theo. I also was involved with Mohamed, a co-worker at Gateway but I think he was after Theo. But in any case, I was a player who knew the rules of the game and I was oh-so-not-having-it.

Then one day, I get a call from some girl on my phone talking about to stay away from her man. That was my run in with Diedra. Theo never told me he had a girl; I knew he was a freak. The sex was good so that is why I kept it that way.

We were completely sexual partners, nothing more and nothing less and we both made that clear and understood from jump. I basically in a nutshell told her that your so-called *man* did not tell me anything about her so you need to take that up with him if he is denying you in the streets. There ain’t jack anyone can do if your man is telling the world you don’t exist. And if he was your man in the first place, a TRUTHFUL man, a man worth anyone’s time, he would not be screwing the entire female population in Newport News in the first place. That was the end of conversation. No hard feelings since I never really gave a fuck about him in the first place. I never talked with Theo again and I never slept with him again either – I think that was the time I started sleeping with Steve and Kevin. Well except for once and the last time when I moved out of my apartment at Seven Oaks in October of 2000. I was in the process of moving out my furniture by myself when he popped up and we had booty-balled sex on the furnitureless living room floor.

It was the last time I had sex with him but not the last time I had seen him. The other times I had seen him was when I would take my mom to work because they both worked for the Portsmouth Shipyard. Occasionally, since everyone had to be at work at the same time, he would pull up beside me in a red Honda Prelude and we would run side-by-side each other racing down the bridge like old times. Completely coincidental I ran into him those times.

Come to find out the Civic I so loved (which I loved more than him) had gotten hit by a truck and totalled and he got a red Honda Prelude that I absolutely loved. That was until I got my “Jesus-streak” in 2001 and forgot all about Theo, got married in 2002 and moved to California. That is a long story for a different day … I’ll tell you about it sometime.

But that was how Diedra and I ran into each other the first time back in 2000 and then she was 19 years old and still did not have much sense then either. It was not a heated conversation because honestly, I didn’t care, she could have him as far as I was concerned because I don’t want a dog for a man. Don’t have time for that shit. All I wanted was sex and I could get it a dime for a dozen, no sweat off my back I had backups. I am good at reading peoples’ characters without knowing them, especially men and I knew from day one that Theo was a dog.

But that’s the scoop on Diedra … tea anyone?

I have nothing else better to do but sit here and blog. I do admit I feel better today … I did not wake up with a headache this morning. I want to do something constructive today such as maybe go see Spiderman II or maybe even get some flyers out to advertise my computer business (by the way did I ever mention that I do freelance computer repairs). I went and got my business license the other day so I could work legally … it was really easy to get.

The only problem is advertising in my local area. I thought about posting an ad in the paper but the prices are so inflated. $104 for one week! I’m going to check out the Virginia Pilot and see if they are any better … probably not since it covers a larger area than the Daily Press. I also called the local phonebook but they never called me back … that was 2 days ago. I have read that advertising in the phonebook is wayyyy expensive though.

Yesterday I started thinking about friends which is something I usually don’t do surprisingly, I have come to realize who my real friends are too. And have found that I have about 5 close friends in my life and that’s Keysha, Skeeter, Peugeot, Kevin and Theo. I’ve known Skeeter and Peugeot longer than the rest of them. I have known Skeeter since I was 11 years old and then Peugeot came along after.

I remember when Skeeter did not like Peugeot because when I was around 14 years old, Peugeot and I were dating each other. HA! It’s so funny to think about and the scarey thing is that they both look the same and there is still some friction between them. We went through a lot of shit together. I remember the time when Skeeter fought some guy, punched him and knocked him clean out of his shoes. HAHAHAHAHA!

I will try to get some pics up of them. We all know each other (except for Theo) and they all have kids except for me; but then again, I am the youngest out of the clan anyway – there’s no shame in my game and in some ways its for the better. No regrets at all.

Speaking of which my birthday is on August 26th and I will be turning 27. Gosh what happened to 26! But I have to admit life seemed like it was speeding up from 16-25 because it’s hard to remember much of it; 26 has gone by a whole lot slower which is good. Keysha is 28, Skeeter will turn 32 on July 3rd (gotta get him a gift), Peugeot is 30 (I think) God only knows how old Kevin is but I know he is older than all of us … may about 33 since I think he is 7 years older than me, and Theo is 31 but he keeps crying about how he is an old man. He is always talking about how he is now closer to 40 than 20 (eye roll) and how I have a whole life in front of me and that I’m young and stuff. Jees, I mean he’s only like 5 years older than me. But then again, Keysha keeps talking about how skinny I am. I guess we all think its greener on the otherside of the fence standing in other peoples’ shoes. But as for me, I have always been a gypsy, happy to be myself and my mindset.

Okay, I’m starting to ramble, that’s it for now.

i’ve been pretty much depressed lately about my job as a telemarketer which i loathe so much, the *signifigant other*, how i am going to pay for school, my car, worried about my Mom and sis … pretty much everything under the goddamn sun because everything under the sun is going wrong for me right now.

i have always believed in limiting the amount of people i have in my life because i care about people too much; i want to help people but in doing so, it leaves me vulnerable. meaning, i want to help people but they get on my nerves. helping once or twice is okay, but when its helping out with one or two things constantly … but then you have 5 other people who also need help from you … well that can get pretty damn tiring to the point you don’t want to help anyone.

i started reading up more on depression and it starts me wondering am i really depressed or just being lazy? i certainly don’t consider myself a “lazy” person; just sick of peoples’ bullshit actually. i used to be so energetic a few months ago, and eager to do things, but for this last two weeks or so, i have had not a headache but what feels like pressure around my forehead. it started out about 2 weeks ago as a sharp migraine that developed when i was at my desk at work (of course). i am not the type of person who has headaches. this was a first timer for me. then i started looking at the clock … seeing how slow time was going by i started to get mad and for the first time since i have worked there on and off since 1996, i yelled at a customer. and on my job, that’s a no-no.

i mostly outsource for at&t wireless calls so what happened was the customer bought a phonecard because his friend who worked for at&t wireless said he could. i told him that the $50 phonecard he bought does not work with the particular account he had, and he started yelling at me claiming he did not believe me, yada yada yada. and the phonecards are non-refundable so basically, he was s-o-l on $50. i tolerated him raising his voice at me at first and then i snapped. i felt myself about to snap but there was nothing i could do to stop it. so i yelled at him back, SIR IT’S NOT *MY* FAULT YOU WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE WRONG PHONECARD!!! i don’t know how many people heard me, but once i realized what i said and how i said it, i immediately snapped my mouth shut and prayed to god that call had not been listened to by q.a. (quality assurance). all of our calls are recorded but not all are heard by anyone. of course he shutup then because he was surprised that i lashed out like that because customer service is not supposed to do that. i completely lost my cool.

MIGRAINE + ANGRY CUSTOMER = UNEMPLOYMENT

day after day since, it has just been a steady pressure on my forehead and i can’t take it anymore. so i took a few days off … lots of days off actually. i feel like i have not energy to do anything. malaise i guess is what its called. i always have a headache. i feel sad. down. i haven’t done my hair in days let alone washed. well, i do wash like every other day. but i just can’t bring myself to go back to that place. the minute i know i am going to work, the headache comes back. when i am around certain people it comes back. when i am at home, it only comes back if someone is here and I want to be alone. if i am alone then there is no headache. when i listen to music, there is no headache. when i watch comedy central there is no headache (joke).

i feel like i just want to pack my things and just leave. get away from this area and have peace of mind somewhere else until i can get my head back on track. make new friends and acquaintenececs (however u spell it. i know how to spell it but this is a blog for goodness sakes. no need to be politically correct all the time).